I sometimes wonder, and this time "out loud", that I got lost. Lost in the shuffle. That a part of me lives on in every estranged family member. When I was little I put every ounce of myself into my family...the only family I had...the only one I wanted. Then in one whirlwind moment (ok, two years) I lost half of every one...of every thing that I had grown to know and trust.
It makes me think and rethink every relationship I have as an adult. I hate cutting people out...so I don't...I let nature take its course. This doesn't mean I just leave it all alone, I do what I can to make sure people know I'm still open and receptive to fixing things because I especially hate feeling like there's nothing I can do when people cut themselves out. I have spent entirely too much of my life trying to please others...and that shows in the fact that when I need to take a selfish moment (translated: month) for myself, I am ostracized and contradicted and made to seem like a completely cold heartless b*tch who doesn't think about how her choices affect those closest to her.
The painful truth is that I FULLY recognize how every action I've ever taken in my life affects every person I ever come into contact with. Believe me, having that line of thinking and a big heart makes for some serious pain. But...what tops the sundae is when people who know you and care for you and tell you to make yourself happy don't, won't, or can't accept that sometimes making yourself happy involves *still thinking about and accounting for others' feelings* making a few others feel temporarily uncomfortable or momentarily unhappy.
But to let everyone know I'm for sure in Yellow Springs, OH. I love it here. I'd love to move this whole city with me should I ever have to leave Ohio. The people are amazing...the restaurants are just...wow. Lots of health issues and disease have plagued our family since we moved. The hubs has kidney issues, has had an infection, and has to go on immune system suppressants. I am still working myself slowly out of this ridiculous depression and dealing with my past/present/future all at once. Brain system analysis states, simply: Overload.
I'll be back to share some awesomeness from YSO soon enough. Don't hold me to anything specific at the moment. OH and me thinks I'm going to start studying Druidry again. I am seriously lacking good spiritual conversation and my once explosive love for nature subsided drastically when I moved so much closer to it? Who knew? Anyway, I'm investing in a bike in a month or so with a place for little Nixie...maybe one of those covered screened in Jobbies? Like I said, we'll see, don't hold me to anything. <3 you world.
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