Unfortunate, Catastrophic, Dreadful, Grievous Tragedies

So, my life as of late hasn't been...fruitful? I suppose that is the best word here. I've lost connections, I've gained others...but all in all I'm at a complete emotional wall.

I'll start at the beginning. I've been searching for four people since I was 12 years old. My three sisters who were taken when I was about 10 or 11 and my biological father. I've made some headway regarding my sisters, I'm in the system if they ever want to find me. It's all up in the air really because they were adopted in the state of Florida. Florida has some of the strictest adoption record laws on the books in this country.

My mother contacted me in June and texted me for about a month. I found out the case workers name, etc...but turns out all my mom wanted from me was her birth certificate and SS card. The fact that she is a grandmother and her daughter/granddaughter almost died 18 months ago was no skin off her back. Her own grandmother died in 2005 and I found out she was divorced from my step-father who I found on MySpace a few years ago. He remarried and filed that she'd abandoned him, which she had. She took all my sisters and beat it. Then got them all taken away and had a nervous breakdown or three? So she lost them and my own blood family wouldn't help us take in my sisters to keep us all together. A little bitterness, maybe? But, like I said...she shows no remorse, she can't care, or won't care...either way I'm terrifyingly done with my mother's bullshit.

And now that I have my abusive ex-step-father on my friends list just to have SOME kind of link to the past, my mother once again has shown she could give two shits that I'm even alive, and my sisters seem like three long lost precious gems in my dwindling collection of blood relatives...I'm at a standstill because:

About six months ago I found my "bio" aunt. She introduced me to her mother via Facebook and gave me my alleged biological father's email address. I sent him pictures...I sent him letters...and never a response. I even tried different combinations. His mother invited me to a family reunion...while my own husband was in the hospital with kidney issues and 60 lbs of water weight in his system because of poor protein retention. After his kidney biopsy he was sick for months. Then the found an abscess...which became a fistula...which required surgery. Needless to say, I couldn't go. I was filled with guilt and remorse. I kept telling people that was probably my last chance. Everyone tried to reassure me that it was not. And now? It seems that it might have been. My bio dad is on life support in the CICU at a local hospital. Turns out he'd been living in the town I lived in the first half of my childhood. Funny how those things work out. He didn't start settling down until he was in his thirties but once he did...he had four children. 3 boys and a girl. This is what I know about a man I can't visit because I have no "proof" that I am a blood relative...and someone I might never know.

This is ripping out my heart...it's a slow tear. I might NEVER have the opportunity I've worked more than half my life to find. What hurts more...is that a part of me is laying dying in a random hospital on life support and kidney dialysis...and all I can do is pray...for his recovery and peace. Because, more than I could EVER need him...his young children need him, his mother and sister need him. The people who know and love this man NEED him.

Regardless of our past disagreements or arguments or random bouts of crazy, I need all my friends right now. I need you to pray for my father and his family that they all gather the strength to push through this...that he finds within himself the will to fight for the life he wants. I only want happiness, peace, strength, and love for all of you. Friends are friends as long as they both still love each other...end of story. Family is family until the end. I don't want it to be the end of his story.

I just can't hold all the hurt in anymore. I apologize for the length and depth of this post. I know it's a bit of a downer, but it had to finally "voice" it all.