Sunday, October 17, 2010

Meh...and other such moping around...

If this post completely bores you, please to click the title and be whisked away to the magical land of all things wrong.

For everyone else remaining:

My bio dad is out of the hospital, has been for a couple of weeks. Sorry I didn't update sooner. Thank you for all the contact and well wishes...I believe they helped not only him, but I was completely devastated that I might never meet him. Well, the hospital experience must have shocked him into contacting me because I received an email shortly after his release that went a little something like this (only spelling edited) "Hi, girl. Guess I'm the very one you can call dad." That, as incredibly simple as it is, was enough to BREAK me. With those 11 man acknowledged, not only me as a person...but also as a girl...and then he went a step further and admitted to being my father.

The next line goes on to say that he was sorry he wasn't there to be the dad and father that I deserved...then he wrote that he got the pictures and wants to meet my family, that my daughter is beautiful...and that he wants me to call him. *ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT* I have severe phone anxiety...and have spent the past few weeks trying to urge myself to call him. What is wrong with me? This is my father...and I've already chatted with his mother and sister and soon to be ex wife...and with my half siblings...what makes this so much different? OH YEAH...he's my FATHER! The one who wasn't there...who didn't look for me...who was content to take his family's word for it that I really wasn't his and not to worry about it.

I'm sure he has his reasons and guilt and lots of bad feelings about what occurred...and I got out of the ex-step-mother that he mentioned that he might have a child in the world when they first got together...but that he was unsure as to whether I was a boy or a girl. So very very sad.

But, I must now muster up the ability to press call meet him...and maybe to form some sort of relationship with him. I'm a very very guarded person so this may take years...bear with me not so avid readers. Who knows when I'll next post...I'm just so jaded by being jaded.

One more topic for tonight...

I give world. I give. I want people in my life that will be there for me. People I can open up to, or not. Just people who are all aboard in my life. I will put forth as much effort from here on out as you put in to our relationship...regardless of what it is or how close we've been...or have not been. I don't really have beef with anyone. I'm so easy going...sometimes I stop going without others to propel me. If my husband and myself can have different friends and still survive as a functioning family (albeit not a well oiled machine) it should be totally possible for you, as a friend, to be able to do the same. We choose our own friends and we work for them and we can't just let them all go...but, even with that being said...if they don't want to be around because of your other friends...what are you to do?

No one is asking anyone to hang with, be friends with, or even enjoy any of my other friends in order to be great friends with me...there are personality conflicts and a whole LIST of complications that I can't even begin to understand that can occur between two or more people. Just be you and be good to me and I promise to do the same...that is all for now...I'm le tired.