Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Waking up...a new me.

So, more to come later but the Grove is back in town and we're way jazzed about getting things back to spiritual norms, at the very least. Quickest update EVAH: Bio Dad is fine, met him he's super likeable as is the rest of the family. Now just to make myself pick up that phone and call him every so often! :)

Living in Yellow Springs, having a blast< awesome neighbors moved and people with horrible anxiety ridden dog moved in. Man is going for his PhD soon. Baby is getting too big, she's 2.5...still getting people rallied for intentional community communal style living. Thinking of getting a big ole farmhouse in the country before actual land.

Cutting people out that weren't contributing, done. Bringing people in who care a great deal? On the move. Things fell apart there for about a year...but we really nailed them back down...and we're making great progress here. I'll not forget you, interwebz...someone reads this somewhere, sometimes.

I learned today that I can and WILL achieve second degree in the AODA...it's the time frame that's the problem. Here's too better placement of recycling plants and NO FRACKING WAY!


Sunday, October 17, 2010

Meh...and other such moping around...

If this post completely bores you, please to click the title and be whisked away to the magical land of all things wrong.

For everyone else remaining:

My bio dad is out of the hospital, has been for a couple of weeks. Sorry I didn't update sooner. Thank you for all the contact and well wishes...I believe they helped not only him, but me...as I was completely devastated that I might never meet him. Well, the hospital experience must have shocked him into contacting me because I received an email shortly after his release that went a little something like this (only spelling edited) "Hi, girl. Guess I'm the very one you can call dad." That, as incredibly simple as it is, was enough to BREAK me. With those 11 words...one man acknowledged, not only me as a person...but also as a girl...and then he went a step further and admitted to being my father.

The next line goes on to say that he was sorry he wasn't there to be the dad and father that I deserved...then he wrote that he got the pictures and wants to meet my family, that my daughter is beautiful...and that he wants me to call him. *ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT* I have severe phone anxiety...and have spent the past few weeks trying to urge myself to call him. What is wrong with me? This is my father...and I've already chatted with his mother and sister and soon to be ex wife...and with my half siblings...what makes this so much different? OH YEAH...he's my FATHER! The one who wasn't there...who didn't look for me...who was content to take his family's word for it that I really wasn't his and not to worry about it.

I'm sure he has his reasons and guilt and lots of bad feelings about what occurred...and I got out of the ex-step-mother that he mentioned that he might have a child in the world when they first got together...but that he was unsure as to whether I was a boy or a girl. So sad...so very very sad.

But, I must now muster up the ability to press on...to call him...to meet him...and maybe to form some sort of relationship with him. I'm a very very guarded person so this may take years...bear with me not so avid readers. Who knows when I'll next post...I'm just so jaded by being jaded.

One more topic for tonight...

I give world. I give. I want people in my life that will be there for me. People I can open up to, or not. Just people who are all aboard in my life. I will put forth as much effort from here on out as you put in to our relationship...regardless of what it is or how close we've been...or have not been. I don't really have beef with anyone. I'm so easy going...sometimes I stop going without others to propel me. If my husband and myself can have different friends and still survive as a functioning family (albeit not a well oiled machine) it should be totally possible for you, as a friend, to be able to do the same. We choose our own friends and we work for them and we can't just let them all go...but, even with that being said...if they don't want to be around because of your other friends...what are you to do?

No one is asking anyone to hang with, be friends with, or even enjoy any of my other friends in order to be great friends with me...there are personality conflicts and a whole LIST of complications that I can't even begin to understand that can occur between two or more people. Just be you and be good to me and I promise to do the same...that is all for now...I'm le tired.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Unfortunate, Catastrophic, Dreadful, Grievous Tragedies

So, my life as of late hasn't been...fruitful? I suppose that is the best word here. I've lost connections, I've gained others...but all in all I'm at a complete emotional wall.

I'll start at the beginning. I've been searching for four people since I was 12 years old. My three sisters who were taken when I was about 10 or 11 and my biological father. I've made some headway regarding my sisters, I'm in the system if they ever want to find me. It's all up in the air really because they were adopted in the state of Florida. Florida has some of the strictest adoption record laws on the books in this country.

My mother contacted me in June and texted me for about a month. I found out the case workers name, etc...but turns out all my mom wanted from me was her birth certificate and SS card. The fact that she is a grandmother and her daughter/granddaughter almost died 18 months ago was no skin off her back. Her own grandmother died in 2005 and I found out she was divorced from my step-father who I found on MySpace a few years ago. He remarried and filed that she'd abandoned him, which she had. She took all my sisters and beat it. Then got them all taken away and had a nervous breakdown or three? So she lost them and my own blood family wouldn't help us take in my sisters to keep us all together. A little bitterness, maybe? But, like I said...she shows no remorse, she can't care, or won't care...either way I'm terrifyingly done with my mother's bullshit.

And now that I have my abusive ex-step-father on my friends list just to have SOME kind of link to the past, my mother once again has shown she could give two shits that I'm even alive, and my sisters seem like three long lost precious gems in my dwindling collection of blood relatives...I'm at a standstill because:

About six months ago I found my "bio" aunt. She introduced me to her mother via Facebook and gave me my alleged biological father's email address. I sent him pictures...I sent him letters...and never a response. I even tried different combinations. His mother invited me to a family reunion...while my own husband was in the hospital with kidney issues and 60 lbs of water weight in his system because of poor protein retention. After his kidney biopsy he was sick for months. Then the found an abscess...which became a fistula...which required surgery. Needless to say, I couldn't go. I was filled with guilt and remorse. I kept telling people that was probably my last chance. Everyone tried to reassure me that it was not. And now? It seems that it might have been. My bio dad is on life support in the CICU at a local hospital. Turns out he'd been living in the town I lived in the first half of my childhood. Funny how those things work out. He didn't start settling down until he was in his thirties but once he did...he had four children. 3 boys and a girl. This is what I know about a man I can't visit because I have no "proof" that I am a blood relative...and someone I might never know.

This is ripping out my heart...it's a slow tear. I might NEVER have the opportunity I've worked more than half my life to find. What hurts more...is that a part of me is laying dying in a random hospital on life support and kidney dialysis...and all I can do is pray...for his recovery and peace. Because, more than I could EVER need him...his young children need him, his mother and sister need him. The people who know and love this man NEED him.

Regardless of our past disagreements or arguments or random bouts of crazy, I need all my friends right now. I need you to pray for my father and his family that they all gather the strength to push through this...that he finds within himself the will to fight for the life he wants. I only want happiness, peace, strength, and love for all of you. Friends are friends as long as they both still love each other...end of story. Family is family until the end. I don't want it to be the end of his story.

I just can't hold all the hurt in anymore. I apologize for the length and depth of this post. I know it's a bit of a downer, but it had to finally "voice" it all.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Long Time, No Blog...

I sometimes wonder, and this time "out loud", that I got lost. Lost in the shuffle. That a part of me lives on in every estranged family member. When I was little I put every ounce of myself into my family...the only family I had...the only one I wanted. Then in one whirlwind moment (ok, two years) I lost half of every one...of every thing that I had grown to know and trust.

It makes me think and rethink every relationship I have as an adult. I hate cutting people out...so I don't...I let nature take its course. This doesn't mean I just leave it all alone, I do what I can to make sure people know I'm still open and receptive to fixing things because I especially hate feeling like there's nothing I can do when people cut themselves out. I have spent entirely too much of my life trying to please others...and that shows in the fact that when I need to take a selfish moment (translated: month) for myself, I am ostracized and contradicted and made to seem like a completely cold heartless b*tch who doesn't think about how her choices affect those closest to her.

The painful truth is that I FULLY recognize how every action I've ever taken in my life affects every person I ever come into contact with. Believe me, having that line of thinking and a big heart makes for some serious pain. But...what tops the sundae is when people who know you and care for you and tell you to make yourself happy don't, won't, or can't accept that sometimes making yourself happy involves *still thinking about and accounting for others' feelings* making a few others feel temporarily uncomfortable or momentarily unhappy.

But to let everyone know I'm for sure in Yellow Springs, OH. I love it here. I'd love to move this whole city with me should I ever have to leave Ohio. The people are amazing...the restaurants are just...wow. Lots of health issues and disease have plagued our family since we moved. The hubs has kidney issues, has had an infection, and has to go on immune system suppressants. I am still working  myself slowly out of this ridiculous depression and dealing with my past/present/future all at once. Brain system analysis states, simply: Overload.

I'll be back to share some awesomeness from YSO soon enough. Don't hold me to anything specific at the moment. OH and me thinks I'm going to start studying Druidry again. I am seriously lacking good spiritual conversation and my once explosive love for nature subsided  drastically when I moved so much closer to it? Who knew? Anyway, I'm investing in a bike in a month or so with a place for little Nixie...maybe one of those covered screened in Jobbies? Like I said, we'll see, don't hold me to anything. <3 you world.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

So, I took an unscheduled hiatus!

As I am sure, the few of your who actually read this blog, may have noticed. So many strange and interesting things have happened over the last few weeks I feel I owe you an explanation!

1) I started feeling magickal. Like I could do anything and be anyone and just go go go! I know this sounds silly...but that is who I used to be until a decade of life and responsibilities beat me down into the realities of just trying to make it. I have a former E-friend who is now a current IRL friend (more on that next) to thank for quite a bit of the faith and confidence it took to retrieve that inner me.

2) Steve's great migration. I have been talking to Steve for the better part of two years, getting to know more about him, and he about me. We exchanged kind words and helped each other to feel better about ourselves. Not that my long time friends didn't do that for me already...it just felt nice coming from someone new. A third party, if you will. I started to notice that Steve's luck with women, his mental health, and general well being was turning for the worse several months ago. I just held my tongue until I really couldn't stand to see another human being suffer in that manner any longer. Then I mentioned he should move here, be closer to us, have similar friends who are giving and caring. We're all very open and caring, honest and hard working, and have an obsession with helping those less fortunate. He was at his wits end and started really considering my words. I guess, I was his only real and true friend...well, that's not so now...he's off forming the sparks he needs to build those great burning fires of friendship. He never ceases to amaze me...even after all his maddening stories and crazy adventures...he (on a wing and a prayer) hopped a bus to Ohio with only the things he could carry. He landed on his feet at the bus station. After a few hours we were there to pick him up. So, with a box and two bags he gets into the vehicle. We drive up to a hotel that had been advertising a live in position in exchange for some work. He landed the job in less than an hour. So amazed. He had a job and a place to live in just over two hours after getting off a bus in the middle of Ohio from North Carolina. /sigh...the will power of some people. Even after he'd been beaten down by life and was living on little to no sleep.

3) The joint "birTday" party. Day after Steve gets in he agrees to come to Super M's husband Phil's and MY joint b-day party. He's had little sleep, is on edge from the move, already has anxiety disorders...but he still wanted to be there for me, to be a part of something bigger. He had a minor trip up at the party dealing with his nerves but Super M and her Super Hubs stepped in to help with words of kindness. We ate, we drank (too much), we fooled around, we played a murder mystery game that wasn't very good, BTW. We laughed, we cried, we were fearful and happy...angry and obsessed...we were human, and the beauty of it still hangs on my soul. I think we broke Super M as you can see from her BLOG post about the party...the only major down side to this whole ordeal, really...but I'm glad she re-found some of what she lost during the party. Now she's just got other major life poo to deal with. I love you Super M <3 with all of my E and IRL heart!

4) I received a package from Jill Medicine Heart for Nixie Pigeons late Bday. She got a full Tinkerbell plate cup bowl set with a fork and spoon...and an awesome quilt that she loves...also an Easter rubber duck that looks like it's in a basket. SO KYEWT! Thanks Jill! <3

5) Heckety sent me my spot prize of a hot pink tea coaster and a matching egg cozy for my little Nixie baby to have something like Mama at the breakfast table. HOW AMAZING! She just loves it...with or without the egg. The bookmark is just amazing...and she also sent me these bonus wrist warmers that she sells in her Etsy shop. They are warm and comfortable and fabulous to wear at the computer to keep your wrists from resting directly on a hard surface. I'll have pictures up later, but I was just wanting to make it public that you should SO visit her BLOG and SHOP to check out what her fingers of fire can put together. PS her quilts are AMAZINGLY beautiful. If you're reading this Heckety, I need your return post for I have a rather large amount of here and there items for your crafting needs! :)

6) Notification from the complex of DOOM. We have been notified that we are to be out by the end of this month or have to sign another lease. It is so silly as we have already been paying month to month without fail for the last six months...but what can we do? Complain. HA!

7) Sending in application to the town homes in Yellow Springs. We spent SO long looking for places and not applying for them that we are now in a pickle. Oh well, application filled out/goodjujued/sent. They don't meet all our needs...but then, nothing in our price range DOES there. At least this way the MIL gets our washer/dryer as there is no hook up AND I get out of doing all our laundry as she has volunteered to do it because she's getting the W/D! WOOT! So, if you're reading this please to send some good apartment getting juju...we really need this place. I need to jump start my new life style and Nixie needs a place she can toddle around without getting told "No! Put  that down! Come here. I love you, but please don't eat that." etc...and she needs a safe neighborhood where we can walk to the park and play or have a picnic. It's just that simple, people. We wanted to be out of here two months ago...and we held out as long as we could...I should have known we'd end up at the first place we looked at. We always do. ALWAYS.

8) My new melding of old me and new me. I'm a happier, better adjusted person now. I know what I want and what I want I will go to the ends of the Earth to get it. I'm tired of being unhappy, depressed, unhealthily fat (not just plump), and most of all I'm tired of letting what others might think of me hold me back. I AM DONE. Sorry if I anger you with my ME-NESS world...WATCH OUT!


Friday, April 23, 2010

Spiritual well being, eating your veggies, and Norsk somethings.

If you like cute babies and Beyonce/Sasha Fierce have a look at the video linked to the title of this blog!

I'm in serious need of a smudge stick and some house clearing. Years of built up tension, hate, aggression, and mystery meat need to be banished from our dwelling. Ever feel like you're under spiritual attack? For some reason, lately even the baby is picking up on the tension in our home. I mean, there is the stress from not being able to find a suitable home and now we're on a deadline...but it's nothing we haven't had to deal with before. For some reason I think events are in line, then they're dashed against the rocks in life's rapids. But with our tension, the baby's teething, allergies, and now this unseen "force" that's steering our life lately...I am unsettled and uneasy. Hopefully, once we land our perfect dwelling in the perfect town for our new lifestyle we'll feel more content and less troubled.

In other less gloom and doom news: I love Asparagus! For real! Add some salt, garlic, and butter...seared in a pan until just soft enough or slapped on the grill and I'm in heaven. The problem is finding Asparagus grown in the United States...let alone OHIO! I know I should eat as locally as possible but there are a few products that I can't get and can for later because they just don't taste right. Asparagus is one of them. So, I'm stuck with a craving for these lovely green (and white and purple) stalks, and I always feel a little guilty picking up vegetables that were trucked in from halfway across the continent. Maybe later this year when they come in in droves to farmers markets, I'll feel a little bit better about myself and my cravings. I also turned my Grandmother on to Asparagus. I made it for her once oh so many years ago. I made it from a can (big mistake) and it was after she had been sick (second mistake) and they tasted AWFUL. Made her sick and she never tried it again. So, recently with my new culinary skills I seared her up some yummy tender stalks and to my amazement and hers she now wants to make that her favorite and eat them all the time. Maybe I'll make that a part of Phil (Super M's hubby) and my joint birthday dinner? We'll see.

Did I mention my birthday is May 4th? And Phil's is OH look it's midnight! TODAY! HAPPY BDAY PHIL! You're the bestest DUDEPAL EVER! We're doing a murder mystery dinner party and I suppose a little more planning should be done soon...AKA whenever I can get ahold of Super M!

On another note, this is not so Norsk...but is kinda? Anyway the uber Northern Norwegians speak an old tribal language called Sami or Saami. Here is a video of a beautiful song sung in this very distinct language using a traditional method. Vajas performing Star Girl:

Here are the roughly translated lyrics...so beautiful:

In a dark world
we need stars
So that lost people can find their way home again

In a world that has become gray
we need colors
So that saddened people find their joy again

We yoiked the star girl
she shined
She was bright

In a soundless world
we need tones -
So silenced people find their songs again

Hope you enjoyed! All my love blogospherians!

Monday, April 19, 2010


So, this has nothing to do with the fair state of Oklahoma, I've just always wanted to use that title...and life will never present me an opportunity to use it for real, so I just typed it out and there you have it!

So, I went to see the house in YS today. It's a beautiful old house with a large yard and big big trees and I love it...but has some significant drawbacks for the husband and I. I can see our family there, but the cons of living there certainly outweigh the pros. I wonder will this be right? Can we afford SO many bills? or the Deposits? So, we took the whole day and did the adult thing and argued back and forth until we came to a semi-conclusion. But, I'll delve deeper into housing once I'm officially there and unpacked and lovin' it.

Then there's the monster dilemma I created...Steve, my totally rockin' e-dudepal for the last few years has decided he's had ENOUGH of people being hateful and rude in North Carolina, wants to be closer to his son, and that he wants his life to start looking up! Good for him! He wants to be around people with heart, like us. Good for him! He wants it now! Uh Oh...lol. So, without further ado I say: well, won't you consider finding a place first? Super M helped me to change his mind about jumping in his van and immediately driving cross country to be with super awesome dudes and chicks here in Ohio. But, that didn't change the fact that he still wants his move date to be Apr. 30th into May 1st so he can be here for the Phil/Candi b-day extravaganza! Oh, and because he really wants to participate in this amazing murder mystery dinner party...and because, apparently he doesn't mind being the man in the van down by the RIVER! LOL

So, we have him a resume and a cover letter...and we'll have him a place to at least shower and potty and all that...and a place for his Lucy (snake) to slither this way and that...but we'll still need to find him a place once he gets up here...and a job...and zomgz *reeeeekreeeekreeekreeek* but yeah, I do it all out of love...and the fact that I apparently thought my life needed more spice!? Oh well, this should be fun! I'll keep you posted! :D

PS: My Hovercraft is Full of Eels! = Luftputefartøyet mitt er fullt av ål
(luft poot eh fart uyeht mitt air foolt ahv ohl)

OH MAN! The Norwegians are going to LOVE ME! Or lock me up in an institution for a VERY long time. HAHAHA

Friday, April 16, 2010

Is there a Norwegian Tax day? Flutes! And other such Norsk-sense.

The bestie (AKA Super M) went to the post office on the wrong day at the very last few minutes to send in her tax day forms with her rabid husband. From her blog she seems to have found a really rockin' place to hang out next year just before close! I recommend the read. I seriously wonder if Norwegians or other Europeans have a tax day...and is it the same day every year...or have they developed a system of awesomeness that far surpasses (yet again) the United States' policies on tax? I'll have to look that up. I mean, I've recently learned that nearly every country in the world does the income tax thing...it seems only natural that they'd all have to file those taxes for refund. But, could it be possible to only take out the correct amount of taxes from everyone's paycheck so that no filing need be done by your citizenry? So many questions so few answers.

We went to the Half Price Books store today and came out with a STACK of very useful books we've been looking for forever. the Prose Edda, Starhawks "Spiral Dance", "The Pagan Book of Living and Dying" also by Starhawk, "The Galdrabok An Icelandic Grimoire" by Stephen Flowers, Two intermediate flute lesson books as I need some serious help remembering my scales We also got "Wiccan Warrior" by Kerr Cuhulain a must read for all who follow a Pagan and/or Warrior path. A World Atlas Sticker Activity pack was also dug up that Nixie will be using years from now, but it was two bucks and shall go in my teaching tub. I can't possibly pass up cheap teaching materials. Then this giant dinosaur pop up book which produced much laughter.

You see, before the adventure to Half Price Books we  found ourselves with a wonderful guest Mister JoeJoe Monkey. K, that's not his legal name but that's what I like to call him so there you have it. Anyway, we go off to eat some Chinese at a buffet that's normally phenomenal...Hong Kong Buffet...I've posted on it before. We get there and the food is dry and the place is not busy and the staff looks at the end of their ropes just standing about. it was SO unusual for this place. Afterward we went to the book store aforementioned. Mister JJMonk upon exiting holding the dino pop-up book decides once he found the pop out T-rex head that he'd follow me around the car opening and closing the book just slightly so it looked like the dino was going to bite us. I'm sure the Pizza Hut employee across the parking lot thought we were either crazy or a riot, hopefully the latter.

I've been playing my flute a little bit each day to build my face muscles back up so that I don't sound all airy when playing. I'm also working on scales so that I can play these intermediate pieces without a second glance back at the key signature again. lol. For those of you who didn't know I have played since 5th grade, though I came in late, I was caught up very quickly by a few high schoolers and my MOST excellent band teacher, Mr. B. I certainly hope the hubby can do band camp this summer for him (silly tuba players). I really do miss Mr. B...he was my favorite teacher...and still one of my favorite human beings. Seriously underestimated as he is...he still manages to motivate a throng of young people year after year. Too much trouble and too little pay and all his side projects later...you have one Mister B, worn down, a little older, a little wiser, but still a trooper and a wonderful man.

I really need to talk to Super M because something wonderful happened during our brief disconnect! The lady with the house had actually called me before I called her on Monday but my phone decided not to deliver the message to me until Wed. morning? I'm still like WTF? So, I call her back Wed. morning after I check her VM. She still wants us to see the house on Sunday afternoon at 215pm. Very precise time, I know, right? So, if all goes well and we like it there, and they like us, with all your thoughts and prayers and good house renting JuJu we'll have a place to live in Yellow Springs! This would be the biggest relief to me and my bundle of nerves. I've started pre-packing cleaning in the living room. I need to finish the kitchen tomorrow and start packing up what we don't use after it's all cleaned up. Ever since that leak in our apartment (see former posts a few months ago) and the deconstruction of our living room...I don't even feel like taking anything with us it's so cluttered from having to be moved away from that corner (which still occasionally leaks and no, no one has come to fix it since we told them in February).

Typing up a resume and cover letter for a friend, Mr. Steve who'll be relocating here in a few weeks, so he says and will need a job or else suffer living in his van down by the river. He still might have to for a while until he can save up enough for a small flat in a decent area...but we'll be there for moral and shower support lol.

Lastly, I promised more Norwegian lessons:
How to order crab...or anything  really, just substitute the word you learned by asking the first question into the place of the order in line three.

1: Hva heter det? (vah det-air deh) - What is called that...or what is that called?
2: Det heter en krabbe. (deh het-air en krahb-eh) - That is called a crab.
3: Vi vil ha en krabbe, takk. (vee vil hah en krahb-eh, tahk) - We would like a crab, please.

And there you have it, ordering seafood in a very sea-friendly area. Can't go wrong with crab. But if you're allergic or it's breakfast time try these words:

1: poteter med smør (poh-tate-air meh smur) - potatoes with butter (*nom at any time of the day*)
2: lefse med smør (lehf-sehh meh smur) - a soft flat bread with smur of course *me and my butter cravings*
3: en kopp kaffe (en kohp kahf-eh) - a cup of coffee (med fløte {meh fluh-teh) - with cream)

With that you should survive anytime you encounter a non-English speaking Norwegian town or village...which is ultra rare, but possible! This way at least you won't starve! OH and the most important phrase anyone can learn:

Hvor er toalettet? (vor ar toh-ah-let-eh) - Where is the toilet? And remember the doors might be labeled with pictures but if they aren't D is for (dah-mair) or FEMALE and H is for (hair-air) or MALE...I try to remember Dah as in daughter...and Hair as in hairy...it's one of those remembering tools. Girls = D Boys = H

Jeg Elsker Deg! *covered a few blogs back* I Love You!
God Natt! *go naht* Good Night!